Yuletide Contemplations

It has been an atypical holiday for a multitude of reasons. Firstly, everyone in my family approached the holidays with a nonchalant attitude this year significantly lowering stress levels :) This was also the first year our family celebrated midnight Mass at a new parish since our old one was closed down by the diocese in October. It was the first time our family was not together, since my younger brother is currently in S. America (hopefully avoiding malaria and kidnappers). And perhaps spending my first few days of vacation traveling to the east coast to bury my grandfather had something to do with this Christmas season being peculiar as well. After compressing and processing everything that has recently occurred, I was able to figure out why this Christmas was different, and also found out a little something about myself.

Once it is too late, one quickly realizes what could have transpired if the proper efforts had been carried out. Soon thereafter, the guilt of foolhardy sins of omission settles in. It is incredibly easy to take people for granite and not realize how absolutely wonderful they are until they are no longer around.

One skill that I have always had was the ability to passive-aggressively avoid/ignore certain people that, for lack of a better description, I found uninteresting -- meaning I felt they were not worth my time or energy and that I did not wish to maintain a relationship with them, however platonic or intimate in nature. There was always some amount of guilt that followed the initiation of "radio silence," but nothing that could not be sloughed off by a quick shrug of the shoulders.

On the other side of the coin, I have always had this innate tendency to put my friends and family before myself. I have always strived to achieve the noble ideals I was raised on and believe in...until recently. For the past few years, I have been rather narcissistic; this attitude being based on the fact that I have (in my opinion) done enough for others for the time being, and must therefore think about #1 for a change. This mindset, of course, was only supposed to be temporary and consciously controlled. Reading over my last few blog entries, I detected certain pervasive, arrogant undertones. The previous observation conveys to me the fact that my "me" attitude has not only taken over my conscious actions, but also my sub-conscious thought processes. The obvious conclusion is that I have gradually transformed into a completely egotistic person, and have only now been able to recognize this fact in light of recent events –- problem identified.

It is cliché to have these "revelations" around the New Year and babble on about how one is going to turn his life around, become nicer, better, kinder, etc. [I am eating my own words right now because I have definitely done that in the past]. This time, therefore, my seasoned inner cynic forbids me to make any of these types of resolutions. So what is the next step? to formulate a solution to the identified problem. Unfortunately, the solution will not be simple.

This is not a cry for help, nor an "emo" complaint of how difficult my life is, nor a search for sympathy. Rather, this essay is a method to organize my thoughts, and hopefully convey a message to myself and any readers. Quite simply, I am doing my best to keep a positive attitude and to be considerate of others. Deep down I do mean well, even if my callousness and snide remarks suggest otherwise. Hopefully, by realizing my shortcomings, I’ll gain a deeper understanding of how truly wonderful all my family and friends are, and not miss any more opportunities to appreciate their company. On that note, sorry for the long post, Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year.