Thoughts of a Dying Catholic

As I sit here in my apartment listening to the unrelenting hum of 18-wheelers passing by on the highway, a moment of industry-induced tranquility passes over...

School and education have always taken a precedent in my life, but up until a few months ago, it has always been placed on a tier secondary to the almighty Catholic Church, Sunday Mass, and indoctrinated beliefs in the existence of Christ. Whether I was hungover, sick, had an exam looming the next Monday, or not, I always made Sunday Mass a part of my life (or schedule/ritual -- however cynically you wish to interpret that). And if, for some reason, I skipped out, I was harangued by intractable feelings of guilt (the stereotypical brainwashed Catholic guilt, I suppose).

Lately, however, after seriously beginning to ask questions about life, the Bible, and the organization & motives of the Catholic Church, my Sunday Mass attendance has started to dwindle and so have the feelings of guilt. Unfortunately, Mass has degenerated into nothing more than following a step-wise order of events spelled out by Vatican II accompanied by the annoyance of being surrounded by people who are dragged there against their will and who lack a basic understanding of the Catechism of the Catholic faith. [A big pet peeve: if you are "baptized" into an organization, you had better understand the foundations of its existence. Because if you don't, you have no right to form any opinion -- negative or positive -- about it nor leave it without the least bit of contemplation.]

Religion, especially of the organized variety, is nothing more than a few human beings pushing their interpretations on the general public about a topic that cannot possibly be understood -- and those who claim they do fully understand Providence's ultimate purpose for us, and claim they know how to best follow his plan should be looked upon skeptically. After all, how can a mere mortal be able to understand something greater than him when we barely understand our own universe, much less our own planet, or how to cure certain diseases?

One of the perks of being pope of the Roman Catholic Church is "papal infallibility." This means that the pope cannot say anything in error when he proclaims a dogmatic teaching on faith or morals. In essence, the teaching he presents comes directly from God which is why it can never be wrong. After all, if God made mistakes, we couldn't call him God. But we must not forget that the pope is still a human being and is therefore capable of making mistakes. Another Catholic teaching is that of free will, meaning that God cannot assert his power over any individual's choices. So how can the pope be exempt from speaking in error about important matters regarding faith and morals when free will dictates God holds no direct influence over the individual? Two incongruities: either God does really speak through the pope, negating the teaching of free will; or if free will holds water, then papal infallibility cannot be valid. Unless of course the pope is somehow better than everyone else around him. Although I do recall being taught in Catholic school that we are all equal in God's eye. Just some food for thought.

Upon further analysis, I have grouped Catholics into three general categories. Those who are Catholic in name only (the "Sunday Catholic" would fall into this category); those who truly strive to follow the Catholic ideology in every single part of their daily lives selflessly; and those who claim to be Catholic, but who use that claim for personal gain.

The first group I used to have problems with. How can one claim to be Catholic and not follow the rules? Now I realized that these people know they are not necessarily following every single Catholic doctrine, nor do they claim to be the most exemplary Catholics on the planet. I would throw myself into this category. The second group is fairly self explanatory, and deserves respect for their sincerity.

Religion is, in a sense, a glorified fraternity with an easy three step plan of "initiation, following some laid out rules, being granted eternal salvation." Plain and simple. This last group of Catholics with a hidden agenda is one of the problems of organized religion. They follow the three step plan for no other reason than to get the prize of eternal salvation at the end of their life -- but do so insincerely and at the expense of others. These people are most often insecure, looking for attention, feel the need to prove something, and do so under the guise of being a "good Catholic." They want to make it seem like they are following the rules so that you may be impressed and guilted into following their "good example." These are the people who will "pray for you" in your time of need but take no physical action to help you. A classic example is "praying for those who are less fortunate than us" during Mass, yet being too cheap to throw a dollar into the collection basket. These are also the people who are quick to pass judgment if they catch you "sinning," but who become absolutely outraged if anyone were to point out a fault they may have. These are the people who also make it taboo to question anything related to the Church, and ultimately quell any attempts at individuality within the Church.

Despite everything written so far, I still believe it's foolish not to consider the existence of a divine creator, if only for the fact that it is comforting to believe in something bigger than us that will take care of us in the end -- like Linus from Peanuts and his blanket. [Although this thought was one of the bases of Friedrich Nietzsche's pro-atheist arguments: God is dead and is only a crutch for humanity.] Another simple (and flawed) reason for belief in God: until science arrives at the missing link between the creation of the universe and the spawn of man, we are almost forced to believe in some divine spark that catalyzed our own creation. But for right now, that will have to do.

If I can get one point across, it is this: please take a moment to ask yourself what you believe in and why. If your conclusions leave you exactly where you started, then I applaud you and am entirely envious (one of the 7 deadly sins, correct?). If not, then ask more questions, and perhaps you will eventually arrive at a satisfactory conclusion. Chances are equally good that you won't and will be left with more questions. The thought of uncertainty is indeed a scary thought that many are not willing to even consider, but if you do ask yourself "why", at least you can say you died trying to think for yourself and attempt to understand what is really going on, rather than agreeing with whatever has been laid out before you. And that process of inquiry is much more significant and powerful than any system of belief could ever possibly be.